Mirth 'n Merryment

[Tank04]

Posters’n fellow ship mates,

It be time for some larfter ‘ere in the Spyglass. There be too much serious talk, ’n this ‘ol tar wishes to takes ye into a place of mirth ‘n fun. Now, while Cerris draws me another flaggon ‘o finel, frothy, India pale ale to cool me parched throat, listen to these jokes what I tells ye. Look smart now.....

Pirate Jokes

Which Pirate made a lot of mistakes?
-Wrong John Silver

When is a Sailor no longer a sailor?
-When he's a board!.

What does it cost for a pirate to have his ears pierced?
A buck an ear!!

Where do you send a sick pirate ship?
-To the dock!

Why couldn't the pirates play cards??
-They were standing on the deck!

What do you call a pirate ship that lies on the bottom of the ocean and shakes?
-A nervous wreck!

PIRATE: I was shipwrecked an lived on a tin of sardines for a week!
CAPTAIN: But weren't you afraid you'd fall off??


Arrrrggghhhhhhhhhh...........................

[opus]

A little Xmas humour...

Jo heads into a pet store, looking to buy a bird. Tank, the owner points to a parrot by the counter - "That's Chet," he says, "the most remarkable bird we've ever had. I just got him from Cerris at the Spyglass Inn."

"He's awfully expensive," the woman notes.

"Indeed," replies Tank. "But watch this." He pulls out a lighter, flicks it and places the flame under the bird's left claw. Suddenly, the parrot starts singing a beautiful rendition of "Silent Night". Tank moves the flame to the other claw. Chet instantly begins a stunning version of "O Holy Night".

Convinced, Jo buys the parrot and heads home. When her husband comes home, the woman relates the story of the purchase. The husband is suitably impressed by the parrot's talent. After hearing "O Holy Night", the husband asks, "What happens when you put the flame between his legs?" The wife moves the flame and immediately the parrot begins singing: " Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire..."

yer welcome...

Opus

[Tank04]

[Ishmael]

A conversation I o'erheard whilst drinkin' a pint:

Opus: I once knew a pirate with a wooden leg named Smith.

Tank: Arrr... What's that name of his other leg?

(apologies to fans of the Mary Poppins movie )

Trev

[souwester]

A man is looking for a job and comes across an ad in the classified section for "Pirate, apply to Capt. Peg Leg at the docks, will train the right person."
The man finds Capt. Peg Leg who is every bit a pirate, patch over the eye, hook for a hand, parrot on his shoulder etc. The captain says he'll hire the man and begins to describe the job...
"On Mondays we go out to sea, find a ship, loot the ship, come back into port ad get so drunk we throw up all over our selves. Sounds like a good job don't it son?"
Stammering the man says "Actually Capt. I'm not much of a drinker, I don't know I would like that very much."
"Well, " responds the Capt. "Perhaps you will like what we do on a Tuesday just a little bit better then. We go out, find a ship, loot the ship, come back to port, get drunk, find women and rape every one we find! Sounds like a good job now doesnt it son?"
The man again stammers his reply..."As I said I really dont drink, and I've never raped a woman and I don't think I would like that either."
The Capt looks at him with his one good eye ands asks..."Your not some sort of a faggot are ye? Not a Homersexual are ye?"
"No, NO I'm not." the man responds.
"Oh well," says Peg Leg " You won't like what we do on Wednesdays either then."

[opus]

Posters - another "participation" joke for your amusment...

Procutus is in an Ohio supermarket where he tries to buy half a head of lettuce. Andrew, the very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. Proc persists and asks to see the manager. Andrew says he'll ask his manager, Tank about it.

Walking into the back room, Andrew said to Tank, "Some ******* wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find Procutus standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

Tank, the manager approved the deal, and Proc went on his way. Later Tank said to Andrew, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Windsor, Ontario, Canada, sir," Andrew replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" Tank asked.
Andrew said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?" said Tank. "My wife is from Canada."

"No shit??" replied Andrew. "Who'd she play for?"

My belated OI Forum welcome to Andrew - may you enjoy your stay as much as the rest of us clowns.

Opus

[Cerris]

Ahoy Shipmates, did ya hear about Moll Blade the comely wench who were Black Beards woman, seems she had the letter B tattooed on each of her buttock, twer a surprise fer ta pleasure Black Beard. Well that night she lowered her pants and bent over seeking his approval. Avast there Moll the drunken pirate raged - who be this skurvey knave BOB.

Cerris

Sagacious as ever was and ya may lay ta that shimates.

[Tank03]

Cerris,

Why you old bilge rat, ere ye been cuttin' yer rum wit water again? If told ye once I told ye a tousand times, marry a fat tattoed woman, not some skinny wench what aint got no heft like a piece "o hemp rope. Why ye asks, siple I says, with a fat tattoed woman ye has warmth in the winter, shade in the summer, 'n movin' pictures all year long.

Arrrhh hardey harrrr, now fetch me some black rum afore me mainmast needs wettin'.

[pat]

Hello all.Just thought I'd pop in and check out whats new in the forums.Good jokes guys,wish i had one to add.In any event,in case I don't get the chance later,every one have a safe and happy holiday season with family and friends. Ta.

[Cerris]

Ahoy Tank, eyer shipmate did ya know that Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer was originally called Rudolf the BROWN Nose Reindeer. Well it were like this ya see little Rudolf used to be at the rear of Santa's sleigh team but he could never quite get the hang of stopping as quick as the others - hence his original name - before he was promoted.

Cerris