funny/ha ha

Light-hearted on-topic banter in our own virtual pub! Nuggets of humour found here!!

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Re: funny/ha ha

Postby badinfluence63 on Sun Jan 18, 2009 3:21 am

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to

her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . .. .. ..



"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
Whewww...where does the time go!
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Re: funny/ha ha

Postby badinfluence63 on Sun Jan 18, 2009 3:28 am

The latest telephone poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas
asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration
is a serious problem:

A) 35% of respondents answered: “Yes, it is a serious problem.”

B) 65% of respondents answered: “No es una problema serio.”


******************************************************************************

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, “Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”

The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”

Murphy said, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat.”

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ you decided you would rather do without your hat than Burn in Hell, right?”

Murphy shook his head and said, “No, Father, after you talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’, I remembered where I left me hat.”


************************************************************************************************

I guy is tooling around in the garage one afternoon and his wife pulls in. She is distraught. He asks her what is wrong. She tells him that she has been at the doctor and received some horrifying news: she only has 18 hours to live. They spend the next couple hours trying to get over the shock.

The wife then says, "Honey, I only have 16 hours to live, will you make love to me?". "Sure," says the husband and off they go. After they have finished they hold each other and talk softly. They then get up and have a light meal.

At 8 pm, the wife says, "I now only have 12 hours to live. Can we make love again?". "Certainly," says the husband, and off they go again. Again, they hold each other and then get up and watch a little TV, although neither is very interested in what is on.

At midnight, the wife says, "I now have only 8 hours to live. Please make love to me again." "OK," the husband says and they return to the bedroom. This time, after they finish they talk about how much they love each other and how terribly the wife will be missed. They then doze a bit.

At 4 am the wife nudges her husband and says, "I now have only 4 hours to live. Please make love to me again." The guy says "Honey, I'm trying to do everything that I can for you but you need to remember that I have to get up in the morning and you don't."


*******************************************************************************************
A guy gets on an airplane and sits between two other guys. He notices that both have black eyes. The plane eventually lifts off and curiosity gets the best of him. He looks to the guy on his right and says, Buddy, I know it's none of my business but how did you get your black eye? The guy says, "It was a tongue twister." A tongue twister the first guy asks, what do you mean? I was walking through the airport and walked up to the ticket agent. She was a hot blonde with huge breasts. What I wanted to say was, "I need two tickets to Pittsburgh." What came out was, "I need two pickets to Tittsburgh."

The first guy laughs and then looks at the the guy seated to his left. How'd you get your black eye, he asks. The guy on his left says, "Same thing, it was a tongue twister." Last night I was having a nice dinner at home with my wife when what I wanted to say was, "Honey can you please pass the ketchup." What came out was, "You f$#@ing bit^&, I hope you die!"


****************************************************************************************************************************
'WINTER'



a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre


"$hit, It's Cold !

The End"

*****************************************************************************************************************************

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a

White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total,

says the Genie.

The Canadian says, I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the
land to be forever fertile in Canada.

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever
fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine,
Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians

can come into our precious land.

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall
around those countries.

The Biker says, I am very curious.

Please tell me more about this wall.

The Genie explains, Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and
completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;

it's virtually impenetrable.

The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lites a cigar,

smiles and says,

'Fill it with water.'

****************************************************************************************
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a
> break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with
> only a few shelves set up.
>
> One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot
> is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're
> selling.'
>
> No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure
> enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft
> accent asked 'What are you sellin' here?'
>
> One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling
> a$$-holes.'
>
> Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, 'You're
> doing well, only two left.'
Whewww...where does the time go!
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Re: funny/ha ha

Postby badinfluence63 on Sun Jan 18, 2009 3:32 am

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck


********************************************************************************

Results of a recent survey shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the Hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And; Last, but not least,


The 7th kind of sex is called: Canada Pension Sex.
* You get a little each month,
but not enough to enjoy your self.
Whewww...where does the time go!
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Re: funny/ha ha

Postby Vincent on Fri Feb 06, 2009 1:15 pm

I have recently been playing ome of the games on Facebook, at the very start of each game it asks you to enter a username and it also says "try to be somewhat tasteful" which as we all know is not an unreasonable request, but earlier today I was in fits of laughter when I went to the attck option to find a suitable victim and discovered that someone had entered their name as "somewhat tasteful", I laughed until I stopped. :lol:
Quick pass me a spade! I`ve had another idea.
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Re: funny/ha ha

Postby dragon lady on Sat Feb 07, 2009 4:35 am

I haven't found him yet did you kill him?
Some like to live in complacency, hoping for stability without upset. I much prefer to turn over rocks and see what scurries out.
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Re: funny/ha ha

Postby Vincent on Sat Feb 07, 2009 2:31 pm

I couldn' attack them, I was laughing to much and after all I respect them for their moment of comic genius, however I may not find it quite so funny next time :wink:
Quick pass me a spade! I`ve had another idea.
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Re: funny/ha ha

Postby Rick on Sun Feb 08, 2009 11:47 pm

badinfluence63 wrote:I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck



Very Funny!!
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WORTHLESS, ILL-INFORMED OPINIONS IN EVERY HOME BY 2012

Postby Jo on Thu Feb 26, 2009 2:19 pm

WORTHLESS, ILL-INFORMED OPINIONS IN EVERY HOME BY 2012

EVERY home in Britain will have access to an endless stream of worthless, ill-informed opinions by 2012, under new government proposals.

The Digital Britain strategy, unveiled yesterday, will mean no-one will be able to hide from the jibbering mess cascading from blogs, chat rooms and inexplicable newspaper comment threads.

The drive for universal broadband comes amid claims there are still too many homes across the UK where people are forced to read books and have actual, fully-formed thoughts.

But from 2012 every consumer will be able to use the internet to pick up a random falsehood and weave it quickly and efficiently into their own offensively bizarre world view.

Tom Logan, of the Institute for Studies, said: "The technology is rather complex but basically what we're talking about is a big pipe full of nutcases shoved through your front door.

"Not only will you be able to gape in horror at their unsettling combination of wide-eyed naivety and poisonous bigotry, but you'll also be able to spit your own half-chewed mince back at them."

He added: "You will experience the joy of watching a perfectly harmless chat forum about Subarus degrade into a series of furious, expletive-filled exchanges about why everything these day is run for, and by, Jewish homosexuals."

Culture secretary Andy Burnham stressed the internet can also be used to order useful products, invade your privacy, manage personal finances and access millions of photographs of Swedish vaginas.
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Re: funny/ha ha

Postby Vincent on Thu Feb 26, 2009 3:38 pm

Jo,

Where on Earth did you find that? :shock:
Quick pass me a spade! I`ve had another idea.
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Re: funny/ha ha

Postby Jo on Thu Feb 26, 2009 4:16 pm

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